Friday, September 18, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Long time no see,eh? Yeah! This blog has become impotent. The content is occasionally updated and an overwhelming majority of the traffic coming in consists of people who were looking for porn. Statistics speak quite loud: 12 out of the last 20 hits had searched for words like "porn" and its cousins.
You see, I am totally lost. I have no "purpose". I'd mentioned in past post about my gray matter decaying. My response time is now on an all time low. My memory is failing me. The crazy sarcastic whiner in me is dead. I have lost the force to oppose inertia, to reason to ask questions and the balls to fight the inertness. Life suddenly is not a bitch anymore....
Have I become a defeatist? I don't know. What I know is that this state of despondent fatalism is brain's way of committing euthanasia. Its desperate attempt to save itself from disintegration. This morose state is here to stay until I find some sunshine.
Q. Whats your problem?
A. I don't have time or the energy to explain this.
Q. Is crying over the corpse going to help?
A. No, it wont. But talking to you will not help me either.
Q. There are so many people who's lives are worse. Why do you get discouraged?
A. Are you ready to skip your lunch and dinner because 1 billion people are starving and still feel good about yourself?
Q. God has plans for you. Why worry?
A. (start counting from 100 to 0).
(This one is the worst of the lot)
Q. Hows Life?
The melancholiness gets compounded when people surrounding me act in ways that cannot be explained. People I once thought were friends act like foes now... their attitude repulsive. Acknowledging each others presence is a big shit of a deal for many. Deceit and hatred dictate the order of the day. Every person in workplace and outside is jealous, greedy and constantly scheming and plotting against someone. Each one is building a bridge of corpses to reach the top. It really doesn't matter whose corpse it is.
Was the Nefarious Sentient Being right when he said that heavens can only be reached by climbing the tower of cadaver? Was I stupid in believing "evil is evil"? Are conscience and compassion the enemies of perpetuance? Was Spinoza right when he said "humility is the hypocrisy of a schemer or timidity of a slave" ? Reminds me of this line by Uchiha Itachi, "You are weak. Why are you weak? Because you lack ... hatred."
Where is peace? Where is serenity? Where is the atonement? Live yet another day expecting the dawn to bring deliverance.... and continue to dream of sitting in Dogen's temple sipping tea with the monks. Amor fati people, amor fati.