Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly email

The Good: A friend of mine sent this to me....

From: abc@xyz.com
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 2008
To: ME
Subject: Must Read

Dude, check this out... Funniest thing...This guy is probably taking the sexologist for a ride. I had the laugh of my life...enjoy.

Question: My girlfriend loves her pet Doberman but it sits and watches us when we have sex. It puts me off my stroke, but she says it's cruel to lock it out of the bedroom. How can I stop sex being a doggy spectator sport?

Answer: I can see how having a huge Doberman sit next to you while you are having sex would put most people off. Next time you go around, take loads of toys and treats for the dog so that it stays occupied - that way There's no chance of it joining in!
A note of caution: how much ever you like it, avoid doing it doggy style in front of the canine, or you may just have some unwanted company in bed.

This deserves a place in Femina's Q's and A's section.... poor dog, I feel bad for the creature.

The Bad: These are the ones that irritate you the most. They cover the widest range...from discounts on Viagra to Explanations about Paris Hilton's toilet-phobia. Some ask you to forward the email as Bill Gates or Steve Jobs has promised 10 cents on every mail that you forward to a poor girl who needs surgical removal of the boobs that have grown on her forehead.

The Ugly: Jokes apart, I've been getting a few cases of Email id's getting compromised. Some of victims were reputed and respected people in the society. The attacker used the mail id to send emails to all the people in the address book asking them to send money for an operation of a family member as the victim who's id was compromised was not in a position to get the required funds in time. Calls usual start pouring in offering help out of genuine concern. This is a cheap work of some dickhead scamster.

It really pains me when I am not able to help the ones who are in deep shit.... but I really cant do anything. There is no way to retrieve the email id back. These are somethings that can be done if the attacker is not a bad ass Sith descendant.

1] Try using the Secret Question and its Answer that you provided when you first opened the account.
2] Try using the alternative Email id that you submitted initially.... If you are one of those chumps who use the same password for all your email ids then go screw yourself.
3] Be careful while using public terminal. Use software like Neo's Safekeys.
4] Use a decent anti virus, a firewall and a real time spyware scanner. But again, eveything depends on how you use your PC.
5] The most important suggestion to the victims: USE YOUR BRAIN (if any)

and please STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS. Here is one example

X: Which firewall is good?
ME: There are plenty of good options if you are willing to pay. Even the free ones are good
X: Which one do you use?
ME: Comodo
X: Where can I find it?
ME: Just Google it bitch! I'd pluck your eye balls out if I could with my 1 GB RAM stick.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Thoughts are free...

Thoughts are free, who can ever guess them?
They just flee by like nocturnal shadows.
No man can know them, no hunter can shoot them,
with powder and lead: Thoughts are free!

I think what I want, and what makes me happy,
but always discreetly, and as it is suitable.
My wish and desire, no one can deny me
and so it will always be: Thoughts are free!

And if I am thrown into the darkest dungeon,
all this would be futile work,
because my thoughts tear all gates
and walls apart. Thoughts are free!

So I will renounce my sorrows forever,
and never again will torture myself with some fancy ideas.
In one's heart, one can always laugh and joke
and think at the same time: Thoughts are free!

I love wine, and my girl even more,
Only I like her best of all.
I'm not alone with my glass of wine,
my girl is with me: Thoughts are free!

This is the translation of a beautiful German song, Die Gedanken sind frei (Thoughts are free). This song was banned when the Nazis were in power.
(source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Gedanken_sind_frei )

Saturday, August 23, 2008

My Mumbai trip: Part-3

A few my friends, don't ask me which ones, are complaining that my blog is its losing charm as the "bad ass","I am a rebel" and "screw the world" quotient has gone down. This is exactly what one had to say, "Man! your blog is turning into a sissy. WTF?! ... Its turning into one of those unmanly dairies.... don't turn ur blog into a twitter extension". This was followed by a failed attempt to scare me, "Do not become the very thing you hate the most, a lesser mortal". It looked more like a dry run for the next Batman movie. Well done, you have fair chance of being approached by Nolan for the role of Jim Gordon's gay side kick.

Now, their reactions don't mean much coz those douche-bags never bothered to write a single comment on any post. And if anyone has anything to say, do fire a comment. That way I get to know what you think and I can continue to write shit. Primary reason for blogging? Well, it keeps me occupied.

Plz do mention if i accidentally use the word Bombay anywhere.... I don't want MNS to sabotage my blog.
After the brief Yoda talk inside my brain I finished eating my cookies. Now that my stomach was silenced, my brain entered in the auto-pilot mode....

Now auto pilot mode is a very chaotic state.... more like a infinitely nested loop. It was around 8 p.m when the much hated Mehbooba was running on the TV. My stomach woke up.... this time it was roaring. The sight of good number of decent hotels passing by made the matters worse. 30 minutes later the driver stopped at a pseudo hotel in the jungle.... the driver must be getting commission or maybe free food for bringing loads of customers to the ugly place. There was no menu, as expected.... worst part was that name of almost every food item began with the word chicken. One could not be too sure if it was chicken. What if it was some wild fowl? or maybe a crow which was retired hurt. It can get worse.... a half eaten peahen, an offering to the god "dakhdum pukdije" by the indigenous tribal population who consider hyenas as an incarnation of their great god. [Ok, I know tht went too far]

I finally settled for roti and dal fry, which was a safe bet. After the dinner everyone boarded the bus... I fell asleep after 2 am, my regular time. I woke up in the morning to get the view of the exemplary Mumbai-Pune highway. I reached my aunt's place by 9. There is nothing much to tell about my adventures in mumbai as in was bloody raining all day...
These are the things that were a part of my daily routine:

1. Sulk.
2. Snooze.
3. Read Mark Tully's book.
4. Read Femina. Yes, I did.. don't make a big fuss out of it. I loved the Q's n A's section. You people should try it sometime.
5. Read the same news paper twice a day.
6. And the most important part, EAT!

The worst part was that Internet was temporarily disconnected, thanks to my sister's exams. On the second day I tried going around the flat several times with my phone in hand searching for Wifi network so that i could suck on to some free bandwidth like a parasite....The watchman thought I was in the bomb detection squad. Damn! no wifi. I hit the cyber cafe on the third day.

Good things that happened:

1. Phoenix mall.... felt revived after a long time. REAL HOT CHICKS! This restored my faith in humanity.
2. McDonalds just a 10 mins walk....hog, hog, hog.
3. Dark Knight, The best movie released in the recent past...Brilliant!. Finally a superhero movie that makes sense.
4. I learnt to prepare Bhel puri and Sev puri.... yes, you heard me. I do it really well.

The slums and the stink will haunt you when you travel by train to CST. People who think Brad Pitt has got a cute butt should catch a train to CST early morning. Make sure you occupy a window seat... you will encounter butts of all sizes, shapes and colors. Feast for your eyes!

I did the mistake of trying Mongolian cuisine... I strictly advice the readers not to try it out. The reasons will be known when you read the next line.

Voice In My Head(VIMH): Do you now get the reason as to what set Genghis Khan's ass on fire?

I had pav bhaji and roti's and rajma packed tightly in zip pouch for the journey back home. It was quite a feast alright. The next morning I woke up to see the bus parked outside a hotel which was worse than the pseudo hotel in the jungle. This place literally sucked! and I mean it. It sucked so much that I mistook the kitchen for the toilet. But wait, don't jump into any conclusion yet. I will take the liberty to explain you the ambiance of the real toilet.

[Plz note: If any reader is suffering from nausea then he/she may skip the next section. The next section is certainly helpful for the obese as it will help you to skip your next meal]

Description of the toilet: It was gloomy..... I felt like I entered a cave in the magical land of Narnia where a holocaust just took place. But I, The brave Paladin, decided to step forth. The seat of the king, the squatting pan, was just abdicated by His Highness. The throne was totally discolored.... perhaps the atoms in the ceramic have mutated to an extent where no disinfectant could possibly reverse the reaction. Evil in its unadulterated form waited me.... Therein lied shit, in its most unpleasant and obnoxious form. It had the texture of pasta and the color of peanut butter.... Its stink...Ahhh! Highly concentrated hydrogen sulphide, pirdine and butyric acid coupled with the intensely powerful gases released after the intestinal bacteria feasted on high sulphur content. My brain received a jolt... reptilian brain kicked in and I ran out of the toilet gasping for breath.

I'll ask the producers of Khatron Ke Khiladi to include "Take a Dump in the toilet" as the final stunt in its next season, if any. Survivors will truly deserve to win.... Only people who are good in Pranayama have a chance of making it through.

This concludes "My Mumbai trip" trilogy....

Thursday, August 21, 2008

My Mumbai trip: Part-2

OK, where was I? Ahh... the movie part, OK. I was hoping for the evening tea but the bus driver stopped the bus next to a garage/shed that belonged to the bus owner... there was one small 'guudangadi' [translation: guuduu=nest , angadi=shop]. I went out to hunt for some Lays or biscuits to silence my grumbling stomach. All that shop/hotel had was goolibagey and buns in an oily aluminium tray [goolibagey and buns are local fried food...I wouldn't care to call them delicacies]. Going by the looks of the fried food I could comfortably judge that it was lying in the tray from the past 5-6 hrs....

Voice In My Head(VIMH): That thing has been lying in the tray ever since bronze age. Don't even think of eating that.

I dint buy anything. All I had was chocolates in my bag. The bus stopped 15 mins later to pick up passengers @ the next major town... I sneaked out and bought chocolate cookies. The seat next to me was still empty... and I hoped it remained unoccupied... but Damn! the bus stopped and a man in his mid 30's boarded the bus n sat next to me. Decent looking guy... but I could get the smell of ghutka/paan from him. I hate them... I hate them soooo very much that if I ever were to become the Prime Minister of India, I'd put snipers on building tops next to every public place like bus stops to blow the brains out of the spitting scum.

VIMH: You wanna do graffiti on the wall with your spit, shitface? I'll paint the wall with your brains.

We just smiled at each other and I started listening to Eternity by Stratovarius, this song is RAW BEAUTY. Every friend of mine who'd listen to the song was knocked out....a masterpiece. Make sure you give some thought to the lyrics of the song.

I reclined back and enjoyed the lush green country side as the paan eating guy next to me fell asleep[ Kismet konnection continued to play]. The paan eating guy started snoring..... I could hear his snore in spite of the song and the movie. You see, I have very keen senses esp my sense of smell.... my auditory system is very active in some frequency range. Genetic blessing.... Guess wat? I cant get fat! Chicks would envy that. My friends often ask me: "How the hell do you manage to stay slim?" All thanks to my maternal genetic lineage (Kekkei Genkai for Naruto fans...hehe). Coming back to the paan waala guy, his snore sounded like Darth Vader breathing from his helmet which honestly was somewhat comforting given that I am a Sith lord and a huge fan of the epic.

VIMH: Look, look....Man! Sounds like Vader he does... Cool it is. Forgive him I do, for his paan eating habit. Snore or Snore not... but if u do then snore like Vader.

After the brief Yoda talk inside my brain I finished eating my cookies. Now that my stomach was silenced, my brain entered in the auto-pilot mode....

Sorry kitta, no cupid adventures...very sad and disappointing, I know. More on that in the next post.

Suggested reading:

It's just Vader breathing for 3 minutes straight! :P


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Wierdos... FSM save me!

Yesterday I'd been to the college to get my provisional marks card... Hehehe I am telling u the half truth. Other reason I went was to check if the gals in the new batch lived up to the hype n hoopla surrounding them. Damn! disappointing again. Ok, screw that... The worst part was the journey back home. A friend of my friend, whom i barely know sat next to me in the bus... the conversation began with courteous "hi" from me and an animated "hi" from him. He then asked "When is your joining date?". Crap! that was the 'n'th time someone was asking me the question yesterday...btw its on sep 15th. Ok, forget it. He turned to me and started the monologues. It went something like this:

Characters in the plot: He, Me and the Voice in my head(VIMH).
Please note: The VIMH is capable of interrupting the conversation.

He: "did you hear about 2012?"
Me: "doomsday crap?"
He: "Yes. U can visit NASA website and check out the details. There are lot of theories and predictions revolving around this. There are videos in youtube.... its very scary."

Me: "Ok." [ I did not want to encourage him, but he never stopped]
He: "You know, all this was a secret not known to the public but I am releasing it privately. I want all my friends to know about it."
Me: "Hmmm.."
He: "There is this planet Nebiru. Its a secret planet... thats why they call it planet X. They say it will pass very close to the earth. It will be visible to the naked eye in 2009. It will destroy almost all life on the earth before 2012. The US government knew this from 1993...they were monitoring the planet from south pole. They dint disclose it to avoid panic."
VIMH: Ya, like I care. Hope tht planet kills you.

He: "Nebiru is a very huge planet... Its bigger than Jupiter. They say there are aliens living there who are 36 feet tall."
VIMH: You suck! Now tell me they have a 36 feet long penis, jerk.....
He: "there are more theories...."
VIMH: Is he not done yet!?
He: "This kind of destruction happens once in 2000 years... like flood during Noah's time, Ice age 1 and Ice age 2... the dinosaurs "

VIMH: Information dissemination by an uninformed intellectually challenged person.Did u hear that Carlin?
He: "There will be a pole shift and earth will deviate from its axis. I asked my friends about the last thing they wanted to do before 2012. Most of them replied the wanted to do 'that'*. What would you want to do?"
Me: "I'd think of surviving instead of doing 'that'."

He stopped his commentary and started dozing off [thank FSM!].... I was about to reach my destination when the bus driver started showing the maneuverability of the bus. He could put the F-22 pilots to shame. He applied the brakes and yelled at a truck driver "Ninna ammerna roada, byawersi?" [translation: Is this your father's road, bastard?]. I watched the dragon wake up from its slumber.... ah, helpless!

He: "Are you a part of my group?"
Me, now petrified : "what group?"
He: "SMS gupshup group... I send messages to my friends"

The bus had not yet stopped... but i jumped out. I turned back and waved my hand hoping we never meet again.By then I was already feeling the numbness in the frontal lobe of my brain...

P.S : he pronounced gupshup as gupshup as opposed to gapshap....LMAO!

P.P.S : The real conversation was in Tulu, which I somehow manage to speak... I have used a lossy conversion algorithm for Tulu-English translation.

*I leave "that" to the reader's imagination. Mumbai trip part 2 will follow soon...

Saturday, August 16, 2008

My Mumbai trip: Part-1

My mum wanted to visit her sister in amchi Mumbai. I said NO. I mean, c'mon! 4 yrs of hell in engineering and this is what I get!? Trip to a place I have visited sooo many times. Later, mom threatened me with sanctions that would even make Saddam Hussein cry. I finally succumbed.

Air travel is insanely expensive now and train journey did not sound safe. So we took a bus, Vishal Volvo. I was pretty happy with bus travel since you get to see the country side and have the cell phone network accessible along the road. Also, u get to watch movies... there wasn't much choice with the movies though, bollywood was the only way to go. Little did i know that an unspeakable evil awaited me.
The show began I watched Kismet Konnection... which sucked but was bearable. My eyes were set on the TV.... hoping for a decent movie. But damn!

Shabbo arts presents!
Afzal Khan production...
Staring Ajay Devgan, Sanjay Dutt and Manisha Koirala.

I watched in horror as the above lines showed up on the screen.... Boy! this movie is one heck of a ROYAL SHIT! Three hours plus of this crap and I was about to enter a state of coma. I so very hate this movie that I demand Afzal Khan be tried for Crimes against humanity. Even Slobodan Milosevic seemed like a lesser evil to me. Indian Censor Board must be disbanded for letting this abomination out.

I'd have a nervous breakdown that day if not for Sharon's soothing voice.... btw Sharon is the lead singer of Within Temptation. For beginners, try the song Memories.... also try Angels.

Allow me to summarise the movie...

Characters : Shravan Dhariwal (Sanjay Dutt), Varsha (Manisha Koirala), Karan (Ajay Devgan).

ACT 1: Shravan Dhariwal is a Big Shot in New York... but he seems to be suffering from unusually high Testosterone levels or excessive dose of Viagra. He wants to sleep with every hot women he sees. He tries to make a move on Varsha and gets slapped in the public. Now Shravan, allegedly a reformed man, approaches Varsha's father seeking her hand. Varsha's father, a smartass who deserves a perfect 800 in GMAT, convinces her to marry this playboy. Reason? "He might have slept with plenty of girls but he chose 'u' as his wife... go girl, go". They get married n have a wild and passionate night...in plain n simple words they have Sex. Shravan reveals his true intention of avenging his insult in the public and ditches Varsha. She leaves NY.

ACT 2: Karan is staying in Budapest and is suffering from malfunctioning sixth sense or Deja vu or whatever. He has this obsession for painting a girl who appears in his dreams. His lawyer encourages him instead of taking him to a psychiatrist. The dream girl, Payal, finally shows up in Budapest where she is staying in the lawyers house. Karan expresses his feeling for Payal... she explains ACT 1 to him except the name of Shravan Dhariwal. Shit happens and they fall in love and decide to get married and fly down to Rajasthan, India.

Revelation 1: Karan is prince in Rajasthan. ( that explains y the bastard managed to own a huge mansion and live a luxurious life in Budapest with apparently no work... besides painting, of course)

Revelation 2: Shravan and Karan are brothers.

Revelation 3: Payal/Varsha is the same person. ( you'd have figured that out unless you have a single digit IQ)

Conclusion: Karan discovers about Shravan and Varsha/Payal and decides to get out of the linear equation with 3 variables by killing himself. But Shravan sacrifises himself... Karan and Varsha/Payal live happily ever after. Now the equation is reduced to Ax+By+C=0 ( A and B are not both equal to zero.)

HOLY FSM! Did u see that? huh? huh? Just the summary of the movie drove me into linear equation. I recommend the Federal agencies to use this movie to torture the criminals... They'll vomit every little secret, for sure.

Suggested reading:

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I am on a Holiday....

There will not be any posts until 17th... m on a holiday..yippie!  I dont think the jerks @ work will allow me to go on a holiday once i join.... So, now is the time!