Monday, July 21, 2008

1st anniversary post: Why we are what we are

OK, big post for the big day. Big day? Its my blog's first anniversary, suckers! C'mon everyone, congratulate me n fire off a comment. You see, I can't write until I get cranky (yeah, driven by hatred, powered by anger).That's why I qualify to become a true Sith Lord (Feel the Force, Motherfucker! For Top Ten Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel check out: Star Wars Jokes ). I am not a regular guy. So people, don't judge me by my writing (u ain't know me yet).

Alrite, back to blogging... Humans, a bunch of tailless monkeys who are now the most dominant species of the planet Earth. From semi nude Cro Magnon hunters to jackasses who eat corn flakes for breakfast, from spears to assault rifles....We have grown leap folds over the past few 1000 years. All these achievements definitely makes us special, but are we different from other apes and monkeys?(Ok, I'll consider Michael Jackson too) are we different from other animals? The answers is plain and simple: FUCK NO!

Lemme elaborate how... I have already mentioned the similarity of human brain to Unix OS in one of my earlier posts. (Search which one, u lazy pricks!) We are just doing what the animals do, but in a different way.

Before I start, You need to know about 2 fundamental rules that hold good in case of every normal creature:
Rule 1: Self Preservation.
Rule 2: Reproduction, more the better. (Don’t blame the men for being horny, we can’t help it... its hardwired)

Why do men like voluptuous women with nice healthy breasts and wide hips? (Breasts = politically correct term for boobs)
The reason is a corollary of Rule 2. Men would like to have kids with women. Evidently, Feeble skinny women will not be able to carry babies in their bellies (the hip connection) n breast feed them later.

Why do women like men with muscle, money, power, status?
Its the fuckin cave man mentality.... Our ancestors lived in the wild there plenty of predators. What if a saber tooth tiger is hungry n wants to have ur woman for his appetizer? What if a Neanderthal from the neighboring cave is pissed of n kidnaps ur woman after he shoves his spiked club up ur cave-man ass? Strong partner will mean better protection and naturally their progeny would tend to carry the same "strong" traits. Money, power and status are able to give the protection that physical strength once gave men. So its nothing but the ancient "protect me" mentality which has manifested itself in accordance to the modern social environment.

Moving ahead, I would like to enlighten you on the thing called "love". Call it whatever u want: involvement, intimacy, togetherness, Affaire de Coeur.... as far as humans are concerned, all these finally break down into a four lettered bullshit called LOVE. This feeling of love is something new that humans have come up with. I am saying this coz love never existed in insects, reptiles, birds or mammals. Mammals have shown a degree of groupism (their version of togetherness) which can be seen in elephants, apes n others. Bisons/buffaloes form a circle putting the calves at its center when they are attacked by wolves. God Damn it! Wolves even have caste system.

Mammalian groupism has increased their chances of survival by a great extent. "Love" is nothing but this variation of mammalian groupism. Its symbiosis, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours philosophy. Where exactly this "Love" thing is headed and how will it affect our chances, I don't know. But what i do know is that no matter how different we claim to be or how advanced we are, we still continue use the service of the primitive reptilian kernel in our brain, which is pretty much Rule 1 and Rule 2.

George Carlin mentioned this in one of his stand up shows:
The Primate brain says, "Give peace a chance". The Mammalian Brain says, "Give peace a chance, but first, let's kill this motherfucker". The Reptilian brain says, "Kill the motherfucker, go to the peace rally and get laid."

Although George mentioned the above lines in a different context, the essence remains the same. What we are now doing is writing a shell that operates over the mammalian one. All co-centric. [I wrote a primitive pseudo shell over the bash shell 2 years back]

This is the brutal truth behind our weird brain and its not gonna change just because some imbecile punk with a herpes infested crotch thinks differently. DID U FUCKING GET ME? and yeah,don't beg to differ...coz if you do then *#....censored....*#. And yeah, as I always say, Selfless Love is an oxymoron... if u are suffering from it then consult a psychiatrist.

Suggested reading:
Books by Richard Dawkins


Sunday, July 20, 2008

Fact of the Month

A Researchers in Brazil found an Amazonian tribe that worshiped a coke bottle as an incarnate of one of its gods.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Quote of the month

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity"

- George Carlin(May 12 1937- June 22 2008)

May your soul(if any) rest in peace, George.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Toto Toilet: The Coolest Toilet

Konichiwa readers,

Holidays are the best days... u sleep, eat n sleep again. I just love 'em. Apart from watching movies that i missed out during the past 6 months, I've also started reading manga n watching anime. I love Naruto. The Japanese rock! They kick ass in every way. They are hardworking, polite, they have ramen and cool gadgets n gizmos. Whats more? they have Maria Ozawa. OMG! Nothing beats that, nothing. Not even a hundreds Silk Smithas put together.

Let me introduce you to a new wholesome experience of taking a dump, dumping reinvented by the Japanese. Although I've never had the privilege of trying it but its really got this "super awesomeness" in it.

Ladies, Gentlemen and Jerks... I present to you "Incredible Squirting Toilet". Check out the review on Cool Tools, Toto Washlet Toilet by Charles Platt.

Excerpts: As you lower yourself to the thermostatically warmed seat, a concealed motor whirs briefly, providing your first clue that you are about to encounter a piece of highly sophisticated technology. The toilet then remains silent and passive until you reach the point where you would normally apply paper. Instead, you hit the spray button. A hidden tube extends itself beneath you, and with the precision of a heat-seeking missile, it directs a spray of warm water that simultaneously tickles, stimulates, and cleans the place that needs it most. While its aim is meticulous, you can adjust its penetration by gently flexing your sphincter muscle. The experience is so unexpectedly and uniquely pleasurable, I found myself tempted to visit the toilet repeatedly just for recreational purposes.

Mr. Platt, you are a fine artist... i take a bow. I suggest the Japs to introduce this product in India. Pricing is a problem, i.e it costs $755 now but I am sure we can work things out in that front. Since most of the Indians prefer to wash their bottoms after taking a dump, this product would be appealing to each one of them. It also saves toilet paper.... "Save paper, Save Earth". See that? Its got a noble thought behind it. Finally I wanna say Arigatao Gozaimasu to the Japanese for making our lives better.

Finally my message to people who can afford to buy this cool toilet but still would stick to their wiping way: Use extra course sand paper for your unholy work [ preferably P12, ISO/FEPA Grit designation]. Hope your ass gets badly bruised.

Moral of the story: "Live hands free or Wipe hard" [this does not star Bruce Willis]

Suggested Reading:

How to celebrate Poop for Peace Day.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Guide to non-losers' quiz

Quizzing is Not Just a Trivial Pursuit, an excellent post by Amit Verma in his blog India Uncut. Your rock boss, u rock all the way!

Must read for any quizzophile.... stop conducting stupid quizzes. I'd rather lose a good quiz than win a stupid one [ off course, without taking the prize money into consideration ]

The religio maniacs call for a nation wide strike tomorrow. Again, for the sake of religion and their Gods.... Balls to them!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Harry Butthole Potter

Let me begin with the golden words from Southpark, spoken by none other than Sir Eric Cartman.

Kindergartener #1:: This looks too tough. We’re going to play Harry Potter with the other kids.
Kindergartener #2:: Me too.
Cartman:: Fine. Go on and play ‘Harry Butthole Pussy Potter.’

LMAO.... Harry Potter, the darling of millions of guys, girls n gays around the world. The tragic part is that people don't seem to recognise the "Loser" in the HP.

Who is Harry?
He is a sissy wizard whos suffering from cranial-rectal inversion. He's got no balls of his own.

He is so popular in the book and in the real world, Why is that so?
People love to love losers......harry is a useless, undeserving moron who gets a lot of unnecessary and unwarranted attention. He has not achieved anything in his life. He was lucky enough to be @ the right place @ the right time.

Now, I am a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings by J.R.R.Tolkien. Boy, this book kicks ASS! If u ever had the privilege of reading LOTR, I am sure u would appreciate the intricacies and the depth of the story.....Tolkien created a independent parallel universe of fantasy.

Let me compare the Heroes of the 2 books.....

Harry Potter: A punk who shows off. He has to his credit the achievement of killing his dear ones...everyone he loved, everyone who cared for him. They died protecting him and here v have our brave and courageous hero Harry The Lion Heart ( should have been Harry The Scary Fart) basking in the glory. If u think HP was brave to fight against voldemort, think again. He fought [ rather pretended to fight coz most of the times others did this job for him including his dead mother ] bcoz he dint have an option......voldemort would beat the shit out of him if he dint.
4 words for harry: GET A LIFE LOSER!
4 words for potter fans who talk of the "Good over Evil" message: ESAD!

Frodo Baggins: Now this guy kicks ass! A merry going hobbit who chose to bear the burden of the one ring. Mind u, he chose to, he dint have to. He walked bare foot into the mouth of enemy in spite of the fact that 1000's of evil creatures would be waiting to rip him off. He sundered from the fellowship, he never wanted anyone to bear his burden. Now kids, if u need inspiration, u know whom to look up to.

About the villains now,
Voldemort: He is the unmanliest villain......I one question about this guy:Do you think scaring kids @ hogwarts n freaking them out will add to his image of being a bad ass? NO. U r a sissy, Voldemort. Go find some place in cartoons like Winnie the Pooh [ Voldemort the Nutcraker ].

Sauron: He is a real villain....coz he kills. He is blood thirsty...n he feeds his orcs with flesh. He would conquer the entire middle earth if he gets the one ring, kill every man, women n child. Sauron would beat the shit out of ten thousand Voldemorts any day. Kudos to Sauron, the Necromancer!

About the authors now,
J.R.R.Tolkien, a British author and philologist.He is THE MAN. He published his work way back in 1954-55. He invented languages and was proficient @ them. Read the book to get the feel of the genius.....pure genius.

J.K.Rowling, a greedy British lady who makes a lot of money by writing nonsense. She writes a books borrowing a little for here and there n ends up being a millionaire. If she was good @ her heart then y doesn't she spend her fortune helping little children who need aid. Bhooli surat dil ke khotey, naam bade aur darshan chotey.....

I think JK will continue the HP series. Heres what i think will be the titles down the timeline :
Harry Potter and the curse of Paris Hilton.
Harry Potter and the Stripper factory.
JK announces Harry is Bi-Curious.
Harry Potter and the rescue of Britney Spears.
Harry Potter and the return of Voldemort.
Harry Potters marries Voldemort.

I'd be glad even if a few of HP fans realize how GAY HP is after reading this. Force be with u....

Suggested reading:

Harry Potter : Pampered jock, patsy, fraud, by Chris Suellentrop.

Hate Harry Potter : Cool games like Stab Harry's Face n lots more exciting stuff.

Why I hate Harry Potter : The BBC's Robert Winder explains what he hates about Harry Potter.

P.S: If u hate HP for religious reasons then I'd gladly kiss JK's ass than yours......3 words for religio maniacs : GFU.