Saturday, August 23, 2008

My Mumbai trip: Part-3

A few my friends, don't ask me which ones, are complaining that my blog is its losing charm as the "bad ass","I am a rebel" and "screw the world" quotient has gone down. This is exactly what one had to say, "Man! your blog is turning into a sissy. WTF?! ... Its turning into one of those unmanly dairies.... don't turn ur blog into a twitter extension". This was followed by a failed attempt to scare me, "Do not become the very thing you hate the most, a lesser mortal". It looked more like a dry run for the next Batman movie. Well done, you have fair chance of being approached by Nolan for the role of Jim Gordon's gay side kick.

Now, their reactions don't mean much coz those douche-bags never bothered to write a single comment on any post. And if anyone has anything to say, do fire a comment. That way I get to know what you think and I can continue to write shit. Primary reason for blogging? Well, it keeps me occupied.

Plz do mention if i accidentally use the word Bombay anywhere.... I don't want MNS to sabotage my blog.
After the brief Yoda talk inside my brain I finished eating my cookies. Now that my stomach was silenced, my brain entered in the auto-pilot mode....

Now auto pilot mode is a very chaotic state.... more like a infinitely nested loop. It was around 8 p.m when the much hated Mehbooba was running on the TV. My stomach woke up.... this time it was roaring. The sight of good number of decent hotels passing by made the matters worse. 30 minutes later the driver stopped at a pseudo hotel in the jungle.... the driver must be getting commission or maybe free food for bringing loads of customers to the ugly place. There was no menu, as expected.... worst part was that name of almost every food item began with the word chicken. One could not be too sure if it was chicken. What if it was some wild fowl? or maybe a crow which was retired hurt. It can get worse.... a half eaten peahen, an offering to the god "dakhdum pukdije" by the indigenous tribal population who consider hyenas as an incarnation of their great god. [Ok, I know tht went too far]

I finally settled for roti and dal fry, which was a safe bet. After the dinner everyone boarded the bus... I fell asleep after 2 am, my regular time. I woke up in the morning to get the view of the exemplary Mumbai-Pune highway. I reached my aunt's place by 9. There is nothing much to tell about my adventures in mumbai as in was bloody raining all day...
These are the things that were a part of my daily routine:

1. Sulk.
2. Snooze.
3. Read Mark Tully's book.
4. Read Femina. Yes, I did.. don't make a big fuss out of it. I loved the Q's n A's section. You people should try it sometime.
5. Read the same news paper twice a day.
6. And the most important part, EAT!

The worst part was that Internet was temporarily disconnected, thanks to my sister's exams. On the second day I tried going around the flat several times with my phone in hand searching for Wifi network so that i could suck on to some free bandwidth like a parasite....The watchman thought I was in the bomb detection squad. Damn! no wifi. I hit the cyber cafe on the third day.

Good things that happened:

1. Phoenix mall.... felt revived after a long time. REAL HOT CHICKS! This restored my faith in humanity.
2. McDonalds just a 10 mins walk....hog, hog, hog.
3. Dark Knight, The best movie released in the recent past...Brilliant!. Finally a superhero movie that makes sense.
4. I learnt to prepare Bhel puri and Sev puri.... yes, you heard me. I do it really well.

The slums and the stink will haunt you when you travel by train to CST. People who think Brad Pitt has got a cute butt should catch a train to CST early morning. Make sure you occupy a window seat... you will encounter butts of all sizes, shapes and colors. Feast for your eyes!

I did the mistake of trying Mongolian cuisine... I strictly advice the readers not to try it out. The reasons will be known when you read the next line.

Voice In My Head(VIMH): Do you now get the reason as to what set Genghis Khan's ass on fire?

I had pav bhaji and roti's and rajma packed tightly in zip pouch for the journey back home. It was quite a feast alright. The next morning I woke up to see the bus parked outside a hotel which was worse than the pseudo hotel in the jungle. This place literally sucked! and I mean it. It sucked so much that I mistook the kitchen for the toilet. But wait, don't jump into any conclusion yet. I will take the liberty to explain you the ambiance of the real toilet.

[Plz note: If any reader is suffering from nausea then he/she may skip the next section. The next section is certainly helpful for the obese as it will help you to skip your next meal]

Description of the toilet: It was gloomy..... I felt like I entered a cave in the magical land of Narnia where a holocaust just took place. But I, The brave Paladin, decided to step forth. The seat of the king, the squatting pan, was just abdicated by His Highness. The throne was totally discolored.... perhaps the atoms in the ceramic have mutated to an extent where no disinfectant could possibly reverse the reaction. Evil in its unadulterated form waited me.... Therein lied shit, in its most unpleasant and obnoxious form. It had the texture of pasta and the color of peanut butter.... Its stink...Ahhh! Highly concentrated hydrogen sulphide, pirdine and butyric acid coupled with the intensely powerful gases released after the intestinal bacteria feasted on high sulphur content. My brain received a jolt... reptilian brain kicked in and I ran out of the toilet gasping for breath.

I'll ask the producers of Khatron Ke Khiladi to include "Take a Dump in the toilet" as the final stunt in its next season, if any. Survivors will truly deserve to win.... Only people who are good in Pranayama have a chance of making it through.

This concludes "My Mumbai trip" trilogy....


Nithin "Kitta" Shenoy said...

This trilogy should be named as "The Chronicles of the ChaosMonger"!! Brilliant one. Especially the way you graphically described the loo. And that pseudo jungle hotel and Darth Vader fella! :)

I would definitely feel the blog has reverted back to its old bad ass ways. Deserves a 5 star rating for being bad ass. Would have been more pleased if you used some more text to describe the chicks though. :)

P.S: And, its great to hear that people from the Ganges Delta are now interested in reading blogs. Way to go, Sith Lord! :)

TheChaosmonger said...

@ Kitta
I am honored, Master.... It is not without a reason that Sad Comet calls u "The Holy Father". Your wisdom is no less than Darth Plagueis The Wise.Comet btw is not to be seen or heard... has he sought asylum in a country which has no extradition treaty with India?

The Amiable Atheist said...

wow, that was very descriptive. i am sorry to say that i had a vivid picture of the toilet in my head as i read.