Sunday, November 30, 2008

An Obituary to my Cell Phone

E51 died (stolen) on 30-11-2008 at a bus stand in Mysore(India).


He was bought somewhere in January by his owner, The ChaosMonger. He served as a therapist (awesome metal collection), a guide(wifi enabled, which allowed me to suck the free bandwidth out of college WLAN), a friend(who never complanied, other than battery charging ofcourse) and above all a wonderful phone.


He survived 4 crashes and yet worked well. He was a companion in my supposedly "patentable " Acedamic Project. He worked as hard as me and my project associates..... staying awake with me till 3 a.m while I run trials after modifing the code(no compiler available, PyS60)). He even served as a running platform for another project group(my friends' J2ME project). I, His sole relative and his dad pray to the almighty F.S.M that he gets treated well by his future dad(who that cocksucker is). He will remain loyal to me even after parting (phone gets locked if you remove the SIM).... but the someone will find a way around and erase all my memories from his 128 MB RAM.

He will soon be replaced by a very cheap replacement. If mobile phones have a heart/soul/watever then I want my baby phone to know that I may adopt a new phone but his place in my heart will never be replaced by any other phone(no, not even a Vertu). Hope the guy who stole you from me dies of cancer (I am an unforgiving animal). I have cursed him with every curse that I knew. Although I always wanted to write a program to reveal your connected IP address (if using the internet), I could not find a way to automate it.

Your accomplishments will never be forgotten by me and my friends who have come to know you. Hope you forgive me (crap! I am almost in tears now.... ). Will miss you buddy... farewell... Godspeed.


REST IN PEACE

E51

Jan 2008-Now 2008.

Friday, November 28, 2008

The Prof.Sandaime I know

Naruto freak that I am, I just cant help compare the characters that appear in the manga(Japanese Comics) with the real people that I come across. One such person is Prof. Stephen Vadakan. He always reminds me of Sandaime Hokage of Konoha, the god of all ninja's. Coincidently Sandaime's nickname in the manga is Professor. I've learnt a lot from Prof. Vadakan... definately not the bookish knowledge. I just love the way he looks at things, his approach to problems. Sadly I came to know him during the last semester of my undergraduation. I'll always miss his guidance.... I still remember the words that he spoke to me when I was all low : "Never have that feeling of inadequecy.Never, Never. It is an insult to yourself...and it is an insult to me as your teacher."


I've heared rumors that he is leaving the college.... If this is true then all I can say is that it is not his loss, it is a loss for the institute where he taught and a loss for the students who will be deprived of his guidance. I finally get to publish this long pending post which was saved as a "Draft" from the past 3 months.

Final words of Sandaime in the manga: "When the tree leaves dance, one shall find flames. The fire's shadow will illuminate the village, and once again, tree leaves shall bud anew."

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Fact of the month

This just showed up on my google homepage:

Although it is never mentioned in the Bible, archeologists and religious scholars believe that Jesus was vegetarian.



Pretty cool, eh? I don't eat "food with a face" [Phoebe rocks!]....feels good.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Are Human beings born stupid? Well, some are...

Well I'll try to cram up max stuff within the minimun time that I have.... dont mind people, this is the best I can do. Lets dive into the theme.....

Are some people born stupid? Do they like to be stupid? Pretending to be stupid maybe.... This is what one guy working in the same company as I do had to say. I demand someone gas this scumbag (mustard, nerve...anything as long as he dies). Even a chimpanzee is smarter than this guy.

"General Question/doubt ..
What is the cost for sending one e-mail from our mailbox and who pays and who actually gets paid for it.
I’m asking this question because of the chain mails we get which say “Every time you forward this it will add 5 cents per email ID to AOL and they will deposit it into my bank account. This will help *********** ”
Just wanted to know how this works??
"

Stupidity is your birth right, go grab it son! I have serious doubts on the success of Homo sapiens as a species. How long will I have I have to wait for artificial intelligence? Damn!

I take this opportunity to announce that Season -2 will start soon [rejoice mortals]....as long as there are stupid assholes in this world I'll never run out of topics to blog about. Sayonara.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Quote of the month

"Isn't it sad how some poeple's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional truth."
- Calvin, One of the most amazing charecters every created.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Post of 'n'th order - Part 3

It really hurts when the converted Christians support the inquisition (like it was some kind of salvation for them). Pope dint waste much time to criticize the violence in Orrisa....no, I don't support the violence. I'd call for castrating the animals in public who burnt the orphanage. Don't the people of Goa deserve an apology from the Pope? (not that I care) It took the Vatican 400 years to give an apology for the treatment meted out to Galileo Galilee. So i don't expect any apology anytime time soon(unless a miracle happens).


"The word 'Christianity' is already a misunderstanding - in reality there has been only one Christian, and he died on the Cross."
- Friedrich Nietzsche.

Ok, enough of Christian bashing.


Let me do surgery on modern Hinduism. Its was beautiful religion but a failed religion nonetheless. Still plagued by Caste system and senseless rituals. A woman from a lower caste was killed a few months back in Uttar Pradesh because her shadow fell on a person of higher caste. I myself have been ill treated sometimes. Wondering how did that happen? Saraswats had started to eat fish which other Brahmins (people from the highest caste) believe is against the brahminical code. Sometimes survival demands certains adaptations and compromises to be made. I personally wouldn't hesitate to kill a human and eat him/her if that is what it takes to survive.


"Man is the religious animal. He is the only religious animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion –- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat, if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven."
- Mark Twain.

Moral of the Story?
God if any is a jerk. The almighty God who likes to be praised all time. The religions inhibit free thinking. Lets see wat God has to say about this.


"Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day.
- luv, God.

Atheism is Salvation. No gods, no religious obligations and no crap. Atheists are not god haters....you can hate something that does exist. How can you hate a non-existent God,huh? :-D We are not devil worshippers either...coz we dont believe in the devil.

There is no hell or heaven. We have got one chance to do something good on this earth. Lets all spend our days in peace.


"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe anything because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything because it is written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and the benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

-Buddha
***************************************************************
So, here we come.....to the end.(I wish I could indulge in more religion bashing...I've to leave. Its time for the bus)

What did I get out of this blog? Nothing, only crap [Oh! I forgot the chappals that a female threw @ me]. But I must admit that I've had a sense of satisfaction telling about stuff that I'd never do in real life.

Do feel free to comment on any of the previous posts. Here we come, to the end of Season 1. I honestly have not thought about a Season 2....Mother Google will be unhappy about this.

Parting Quote:
Uich gwennen na 'wanath ah na dhín. An uich gwennen na ringyrn ambar hen. Boe naid bain gwannathar, Boe cuil ban firitha. Boe naer gwannathach.

Translation: You are not bound to loss and silence. For you are not bound to the circles of this world. All things must pass away, All life is doomed to fade… Sorrowing you must go.

(source: Breath Of Life from Lord of The Rings, the most beautiful fantasy movie)

Starting a new journey I am...wish me luck you should. Godspeed readers... May the Force be with us.

Yours Watever,
TheChaosMonger.

Calculus made easy and Convolution

If anyone is interested in learning the much hated Calculus the easy way then you can refer to this book by Prof. Stephen Vadakkan(one of the very few people whom I respect unconditionally). This ebook is provided free of cost.
Link:
Calculus made easy for beginners - Link to Learning resources

For Convolution and LTI systems you can refer this book.
Link: Convolution & LTI Systems

Post of 'n'th order - Part 2

[ contd from Part -1.... The story of Aryans settlers]

The river Sarasvati vanishes under mysterious circumstances. "The Holiest River" had now dried up. Now eat this: Guess how many times does the river Ganga's name pop up in Rig veda? Only once.
If you thought Ganga/Ganges was the holiest then think again. Ganges rose to the top spot to take Sarasvati's place.

The Sarasvati settlers, The Saraswats, now under the threat of extinction, had to relocate. A few travelled north to become the modern day Kashmiri Pandits. The rest moved towards east and south-east to Kingdom of Videha (Modern Bengal/Bihar/Nepal). Some followed the course of river which emptied into the Arabian sea and settled in the region of Kutch (Gujarat).

Probably a millenia later they moved south to Gomantak (Modern Goa) along with their Gods/Godesses. They finally had a place that they could call home. All went well until ships from western Europe started to sail in. Portuguese had arrived and they came with an intention to do a lot more than trade. One by one provinces in Goa started to fall. Every temple was razed to the ground and churches built on them. Christianity was the only way to go. Non compliance would lead to arrest.

I will now elaborate a little on the tortures inflicted on the victims....(This is my fav part)
1] Victims would be tied with a rope, both hand and legs. They would be pulled up and dropped down. This would go on till the victim's joints get dislocated.
2] Victims were tied to an iron rod and immersed into water. You either break your back trying to free yourself or drown.
3] People were hung over fire.Occasionally they would also burn people alive in public. etc etc.

Priests stood and watched this holy ceremony of cleansing the pagans. A friend of mine also mentions that they would use needles to pierce the penis of victims. Some storied also tell about the bodies of children being dismembered in front of their parents. 1560 A.D., The Goan Inquisition had began. Sephardic Jews in Goa were also persecuted. It took the blood of innocents to establish the divinity of Christ in Goa (love thy neighbor).


"Goa is sadly famous for its inquisition, which is contrary to humanity as much as to commerce. The Portuguese monks deluded us into believing that the Indian populace was worshiping The Devil, while it is they who served him."
-Voltaire.

Saraswats had to flee. They moved further south along the coast and settled on the west coast of India in places like Karwar, Mangalore/Udupi and also Cochin. This was a brief history of Saraswats. As a remnant of this clan I thought I should pay my tribute to my history.

I dislike the religions of the desert, all 3 of them. This does not mean that I am deeply in love with Hinduism. At least I know it was not meant to be what it is right now. But for the current state of Hinduism, I despise it.

Christians have problem believing in the imaginary Hindu gods flying around in the sky but they have no problems with virgin birth. Christians have a problem with the caste system and horny Hindu gods like Indra who comes to earth with an intention of having sex with beautiful women (remember Ahalya?). But they have got absolutely no issues with Lot having incestuous relationship with his daughters. If my memory serves me right then Lot did offer his daughters to be gang raped by the people of Sodom (source: Genesis from the Holy Bible). Liberal Christians believe that Lot's act of offering his daughters was more of a "mythical story". They'd rather look at the positive side....emphasizing the fact that Lot treated strangers with kindness( heights of "athithi devo bhava"). Moses was a mass murderer. Abraham's character is seriously flawed. What standards do you expect a person to set who had sex with a slave and then lets the Pharaoh have sex with his wife?(he pretended that his wife was his sister). If Old Testament was not a religious book then it would have been a best selling horror book. Its a book full of sex, murder and violence (this holds good for all the holy books).

[contd.....]

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Post of 'n'th order - Part 1

Jagshemash Readers,

Its 14 months since Jul 17th 2007 when I decided to start a blog, apparently for no reason. Then I had all those rosy dreams about earning $dollars$ and bling bling. A guy started a tech blog with me... now he has moved to an independent domain, his blog recognized by Lifehacker, Downloadsquad, Laughingsquid [Neva heard of these sites? Well, you qualify to be called a noob] ...whats more? He has steady revenue now, 350,000 page views per month....he even threw prizes worth $3500 on his blog's first birthday. What did readers of this blog get? Curses, insults and uncivilized rants
. Congratulations readers. Now don't ask me for his blog address coz I ain't doing free advertisement.

I missed out on a lot of things to blog about.... let me start with some that I can recall. Churches getting vandalized by right wing Hindu organizations. Reason? The Hindus did not like the "alleged" conversion activities of the church. I don't remember meeting any ex-Hindu who has converted into Christianity in the recent times..... I am not a fan of Christianity but the Konkani speaking Christians here are among the most civilized people.
Most of them are well educated and earn their bread by relatively fair means.At least they don't treat you like a outsider when you are invited into their homes. My mom during her childhood lived for a few years in an area where majority of the people where Catholics. Never, not even once does she remember any event of friction between the people following 2 different faiths.

I recall going with my mom to the house of a Catholic woman(ex-neighbor) to collect a herb called 'Thaikilo'(konkani delicacy) that grows during rainy season. I don't recall much of the conversation but it was all related to my mum's childhood. After all the chit chat it was time to leave n the woman smiles n says "dev barey karo" (may god bless you). It was not said for the heck of it... I mean you know when a person means what he/she says.

Catholic institutions have been providing quality education to all the sections of the society. If I ever were to do some charity then I'll be more than happy to give the money to one of these institutions. I am not telling that the people who run such institutions are saints...everyone has motive and so do they. If there were no restrictions against forced conversions then I am pretty sure that these people would have done a Spanish Inquisition - Part 2. [ Some blessed atheist said, "The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative"..... lol]

Lemme tell you a story now:

Around 1500-2000 BC, a bunch of people, Aryans to be precise, flourished in fertile plains of northern India. A section of these people settled on the banks of River Sarasvati which is non existent now [ I wont get into the details of what happened to the river and the stories and theories revolving around it. Do some googling for more info ]. Then came the first book of Sanatana Dharma (Translation:eternal religion, another name for Hinduism), Rig Veda. Take my word, this is perhaps the most beautiful books ever written. Sad part however is that the current sad state of Hinduism is a direct result of gross misinterpretations of the same book that laid the foundation of the religion.

Rig Veda is the epitome of philosophy and metaphysics...and this was 4000 god damned years back. Plato's and Aristotle's ancestors were probably busy having bunny sex on the shores of Aegean with nymphs and minotaurs back then.

Check the sample: The following are the first and the last verses of Nasadiya sukta (translation Nasadiya: Not the non existent) from the 10th mandala of Rig Veda. Source: Wikisource.

" Nasadasinno sadasit tadaneem nasaidrajo no vyomaparoyat | Kimavarivah kuha kasya sharmannambah kimaasith ghahanam ghabhiram || "

Translation:
THEN was not non-existent nor existent: there was no realm of air, no sky beyond it.
What covered in, and where? and what gave shelter? Was water there, unfathomed depth of water?


" Eyam visrushtyartha abhoova yadhi va dadhey yadhi va naa | Yo asya adhyakshaha paramey vyomanthsyonga vadey yadi ya na vadey || "

Translation:

He, the first origin of this creation, whether he formed it all or did not form it,
Whose eye controls this world in highest heaven, he verily knows it, or perhaps he knows not. ( Did you notice what I noticed? This hymn is questioning the authority and the existence of the "alleged" God. Amazing! Height of awesomeness. )

There were never meant to be any Gods. I mean people were not crazy to invent 330 million Gods. The God of the elders was the God of Gaps.... Someone who would complete the incompleteness of the human mind.
Like a variable that would balance the equation. God was, is and always will continue to remain a psychological need rather than an entity that transcends physical realm.

The word Veda comes from Sanskrit word 'vid' which means knowledge. It was a work of infinite beauty. More importantly it was an intellectual pursuit and a puzzle for the future generations to crack. Look what we have done to it now.... we have twisted the meanings to suit our needs and build an organized religion out of it,Hinduism.... selling it successfully to around 800 million people around the globe.

[to be contd in part 2.....]

Quote of the Month

"They say an Idle mind is devil's workshop but they forget that an occupied mind is his retail outlet."

- TheChaosMonger (yes, that was my original line)

Post of the (n-1)th order

I am home for 3 days...Ahhh.... It feels goood. The menu for 3 days was decided long back. Now I just have to hog. I miss the "ghar ka khaanaa" sooo much...I'll eat anything that mum prepares, anything. Mum couldn't be happier. Get food poisoned 4 times in a month (that averages to once every week) had its consequences on my eating habits. Forget it.... Worst part was no decent Internet access. One stupid Reliance Web World(RWW) which uses only the ancient version of Internet Explorer... It displays the blog edit in XML(couldn't get any stupid). I felt like suing Anil Ambani for the mental torture RWW inflicted on me. IE sucks! If you still don't realise that fact then you are a moron. Internet that company provides can be used but you've gotta comply with certain rules and regulation. Although their firewalls and filters are no match for my skills. I know how smart I am but I am not so sure how smart the other side is. I still wouldn't wanna get caught.

The campus is 40 minutes away from Mysore. Now, Mysore is one of the cities that has still retained the old charm. Buses from city to campus are super crowded. Bus arrives and people rush in like zombies waiting to devour the humans. Some even try to get in through the window.Jesus!.... I stand n watch.... a shocked spectator. That's it for now.... expect a bigger post within 24 hrs.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Quote of the month

"He who has eyes can see the sickening sight,
Why does not God set his creatures right?
If his wide power no limit can restrain,
Why is his hand so rarely spread to bless?
Why are his creatures all condemned to pain?
Why does he not to all give happiness?
Why do fraud, lies, and ignorance prevail?
Why triumphs falsehood -- truth and justice fail?
I count your God one among the unjust ,
Who made a world in which to shelter wrong."

-Bhuridatta Jataka (453)

Friday, September 5, 2008

The Chop Suey Post

I don't feel like writing... this is not because of the inherent laziness. You see, my encounter with the civilization was minimal during the past 10 days. I prefer to waste my time doing nothing and honestly I get a great deal of satisfaction from it. So no funny events and no stupid people. This post does not have any theme... so I'll just start blabbering.

I was out of town for 3 days.... my participation in a "prestigious" project exhibition was necessary. Lot of appreciation but no prizes as usual (I thought the IISc guys were smart). No chicks either. fuck it! Oh, did I tell you we applied for a patent to a fake patent office n lost our money too? The professor who accompanied us was forced to believe in bad luck after he learnt about my sad story [more on My Fucked Up Life in a separate post] . My project associate kept nagging that there was no such thing called bad luck. Jerk! What does he know?! Its my ass that gets ripped off every time, not his. But he is basically a nice guy....he was just trying to cheer me up. After the disapointing results he kept mumbling "My dream is to fly, Over the rainbow so high"
. Nice try buddy... but you ain't that good at hiding your feelings.

Tomorrow I'll be doing last minute shopping before joining the work next week.... I am cash strapped. I'll have to ask dad to bail me out. He'll happily oblige... his only child will be joining work next week. I don't understand the obsession of the corporate sector with pseudo professionalism. I mean whats with wearing formals? Why not regular jeans or casuals? Why the neck ties and the leather shoes? Why not Ts n sandals? Btw, Bermuda shorts and white Ts are my all time fav. If I were to host a party, you know what the dress code is. Does the so called "professional" attire bring any change in the productivity? Just let your employees wear anything they want... Making people look smart doesn't make them smart.... they'll be what they always were. Does wearing corporate clothing make u feel intelligent, morons? You know what? I am more intelligent in my boxers than you guys in your stupid clothes.

Book I am reading these days is Superstar India by Shobhaa De... This female shows no mercy in mincing the right blend of words to elucidate modern India's plight. Every topic that I wanted to blog was covered in this book... and Mrs.De does an excellent job. I don't think I can blog regularly from 15th.... so just go and pick this book. Total entertainment... ekdum mast!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly email

The Good: A friend of mine sent this to me....

From: abc@xyz.com
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 2008
To: ME
Subject: Must Read

Dude, check this out... Funniest thing...This guy is probably taking the sexologist for a ride. I had the laugh of my life...enjoy.

Question: My girlfriend loves her pet Doberman but it sits and watches us when we have sex. It puts me off my stroke, but she says it's cruel to lock it out of the bedroom. How can I stop sex being a doggy spectator sport?

Answer: I can see how having a huge Doberman sit next to you while you are having sex would put most people off. Next time you go around, take loads of toys and treats for the dog so that it stays occupied - that way There's no chance of it joining in!
A note of caution: how much ever you like it, avoid doing it doggy style in front of the canine, or you may just have some unwanted company in bed.


This deserves a place in Femina's Q's and A's section.... poor dog, I feel bad for the creature.


The Bad: These are the ones that irritate you the most. They cover the widest range...from discounts on Viagra to Explanations about Paris Hilton's toilet-phobia. Some ask you to forward the email as Bill Gates or Steve Jobs has promised 10 cents on every mail that you forward to a poor girl who needs surgical removal of the boobs that have grown on her forehead.

The Ugly: Jokes apart, I've been getting a few cases of Email id's getting compromised. Some of victims were reputed and respected people in the society. The attacker used the mail id to send emails to all the people in the address book asking them to send money for an operation of a family member as the victim who's id was compromised was not in a position to get the required funds in time. Calls usual start pouring in offering help out of genuine concern. This is a cheap work of some dickhead scamster.

It really pains me when I am not able to help the ones who are in deep shit.... but I really cant do anything. There is no way to retrieve the email id back. These are somethings that can be done if the attacker is not a bad ass Sith descendant.

1] Try using the Secret Question and its Answer that you provided when you first opened the account.
2] Try using the alternative Email id that you submitted initially.... If you are one of those chumps who use the same password for all your email ids then go screw yourself.
3] Be careful while using public terminal. Use software like Neo's Safekeys.
4] Use a decent anti virus, a firewall and a real time spyware scanner. But again, eveything depends on how you use your PC.
5] The most important suggestion to the victims: USE YOUR BRAIN (if any)

and please STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS. Here is one example

X: Which firewall is good?
ME: There are plenty of good options if you are willing to pay. Even the free ones are good
X: Which one do you use?
ME: Comodo
X: Where can I find it?
ME: Just Google it bitch! I'd pluck your eye balls out if I could with my 1 GB RAM stick.
.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Thoughts are free...

Thoughts are free, who can ever guess them?
They just flee by like nocturnal shadows.
No man can know them, no hunter can shoot them,
with powder and lead: Thoughts are free!

I think what I want, and what makes me happy,
but always discreetly, and as it is suitable.
My wish and desire, no one can deny me
and so it will always be: Thoughts are free!

And if I am thrown into the darkest dungeon,
all this would be futile work,
because my thoughts tear all gates
and walls apart. Thoughts are free!

So I will renounce my sorrows forever,
and never again will torture myself with some fancy ideas.
In one's heart, one can always laugh and joke
and think at the same time: Thoughts are free!

I love wine, and my girl even more,
Only I like her best of all.
I'm not alone with my glass of wine,
my girl is with me: Thoughts are free!

This is the translation of a beautiful German song, Die Gedanken sind frei (Thoughts are free). This song was banned when the Nazis were in power.
(source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Gedanken_sind_frei )

Saturday, August 23, 2008

My Mumbai trip: Part-3

A few my friends, don't ask me which ones, are complaining that my blog is its losing charm as the "bad ass","I am a rebel" and "screw the world" quotient has gone down. This is exactly what one had to say, "Man! your blog is turning into a sissy. WTF?! ... Its turning into one of those unmanly dairies.... don't turn ur blog into a twitter extension". This was followed by a failed attempt to scare me, "Do not become the very thing you hate the most, a lesser mortal". It looked more like a dry run for the next Batman movie. Well done, you have fair chance of being approached by Nolan for the role of Jim Gordon's gay side kick.

Now, their reactions don't mean much coz those douche-bags never bothered to write a single comment on any post. And if anyone has anything to say, do fire a comment. That way I get to know what you think and I can continue to write shit. Primary reason for blogging? Well, it keeps me occupied.

Plz do mention if i accidentally use the word Bombay anywhere.... I don't want MNS to sabotage my blog.
----------------------------------------------------------------
[contd...]
After the brief Yoda talk inside my brain I finished eating my cookies. Now that my stomach was silenced, my brain entered in the auto-pilot mode....

Now auto pilot mode is a very chaotic state.... more like a infinitely nested loop. It was around 8 p.m when the much hated Mehbooba was running on the TV. My stomach woke up.... this time it was roaring. The sight of good number of decent hotels passing by made the matters worse. 30 minutes later the driver stopped at a pseudo hotel in the jungle.... the driver must be getting commission or maybe free food for bringing loads of customers to the ugly place. There was no menu, as expected.... worst part was that name of almost every food item began with the word chicken. One could not be too sure if it was chicken. What if it was some wild fowl? or maybe a crow which was retired hurt. It can get worse.... a half eaten peahen, an offering to the god "dakhdum pukdije" by the indigenous tribal population who consider hyenas as an incarnation of their great god. [Ok, I know tht went too far]

I finally settled for roti and dal fry, which was a safe bet. After the dinner everyone boarded the bus... I fell asleep after 2 am, my regular time. I woke up in the morning to get the view of the exemplary Mumbai-Pune highway. I reached my aunt's place by 9. There is nothing much to tell about my adventures in mumbai as in was bloody raining all day...
These are the things that were a part of my daily routine:

1. Sulk.
2. Snooze.
3. Read Mark Tully's book.
4. Read Femina. Yes, I did.. don't make a big fuss out of it. I loved the Q's n A's section. You people should try it sometime.
5. Read the same news paper twice a day.
6. And the most important part, EAT!

The worst part was that Internet was temporarily disconnected, thanks to my sister's exams. On the second day I tried going around the flat several times with my phone in hand searching for Wifi network so that i could suck on to some free bandwidth like a parasite....The watchman thought I was in the bomb detection squad. Damn! no wifi. I hit the cyber cafe on the third day.

Good things that happened:

1. Phoenix mall.... felt revived after a long time. REAL HOT CHICKS! This restored my faith in humanity.
2. McDonalds just a 10 mins walk....hog, hog, hog.
3. Dark Knight, The best movie released in the recent past...Brilliant!. Finally a superhero movie that makes sense.
4. I learnt to prepare Bhel puri and Sev puri.... yes, you heard me. I do it really well.

The slums and the stink will haunt you when you travel by train to CST. People who think Brad Pitt has got a cute butt should catch a train to CST early morning. Make sure you occupy a window seat... you will encounter butts of all sizes, shapes and colors. Feast for your eyes!

I did the mistake of trying Mongolian cuisine... I strictly advice the readers not to try it out. The reasons will be known when you read the next line.

Voice In My Head(VIMH): Do you now get the reason as to what set Genghis Khan's ass on fire?

I had pav bhaji and roti's and rajma packed tightly in zip pouch for the journey back home. It was quite a feast alright. The next morning I woke up to see the bus parked outside a hotel which was worse than the pseudo hotel in the jungle. This place literally sucked! and I mean it. It sucked so much that I mistook the kitchen for the toilet. But wait, don't jump into any conclusion yet. I will take the liberty to explain you the ambiance of the real toilet.

[Plz note: If any reader is suffering from nausea then he/she may skip the next section. The next section is certainly helpful for the obese as it will help you to skip your next meal]

Description of the toilet: It was gloomy..... I felt like I entered a cave in the magical land of Narnia where a holocaust just took place. But I, The brave Paladin, decided to step forth. The seat of the king, the squatting pan, was just abdicated by His Highness. The throne was totally discolored.... perhaps the atoms in the ceramic have mutated to an extent where no disinfectant could possibly reverse the reaction. Evil in its unadulterated form waited me.... Therein lied shit, in its most unpleasant and obnoxious form. It had the texture of pasta and the color of peanut butter.... Its stink...Ahhh! Highly concentrated hydrogen sulphide, pirdine and butyric acid coupled with the intensely powerful gases released after the intestinal bacteria feasted on high sulphur content. My brain received a jolt... reptilian brain kicked in and I ran out of the toilet gasping for breath.

I'll ask the producers of Khatron Ke Khiladi to include "Take a Dump in the toilet" as the final stunt in its next season, if any. Survivors will truly deserve to win.... Only people who are good in Pranayama have a chance of making it through.

This concludes "My Mumbai trip" trilogy....

Thursday, August 21, 2008

My Mumbai trip: Part-2

OK, where was I? Ahh... the movie part, OK. I was hoping for the evening tea but the bus driver stopped the bus next to a garage/shed that belonged to the bus owner... there was one small 'guudangadi' [translation: guuduu=nest , angadi=shop]. I went out to hunt for some Lays or biscuits to silence my grumbling stomach. All that shop/hotel had was goolibagey and buns in an oily aluminium tray [goolibagey and buns are local fried food...I wouldn't care to call them delicacies]. Going by the looks of the fried food I could comfortably judge that it was lying in the tray from the past 5-6 hrs....

Voice In My Head(VIMH): That thing has been lying in the tray ever since bronze age. Don't even think of eating that.

I dint buy anything. All I had was chocolates in my bag. The bus stopped 15 mins later to pick up passengers @ the next major town... I sneaked out and bought chocolate cookies. The seat next to me was still empty... and I hoped it remained unoccupied... but Damn! the bus stopped and a man in his mid 30's boarded the bus n sat next to me. Decent looking guy... but I could get the smell of ghutka/paan from him. I hate them... I hate them soooo very much that if I ever were to become the Prime Minister of India, I'd put snipers on building tops next to every public place like bus stops to blow the brains out of the spitting scum.

VIMH: You wanna do graffiti on the wall with your spit, shitface? I'll paint the wall with your brains.

We just smiled at each other and I started listening to Eternity by Stratovarius, this song is RAW BEAUTY. Every friend of mine who'd listen to the song was knocked out....a masterpiece. Make sure you give some thought to the lyrics of the song.

I reclined back and enjoyed the lush green country side as the paan eating guy next to me fell asleep[ Kismet konnection continued to play]. The paan eating guy started snoring..... I could hear his snore in spite of the song and the movie. You see, I have very keen senses esp my sense of smell.... my auditory system is very active in some frequency range. Genetic blessing.... Guess wat? I cant get fat! Chicks would envy that. My friends often ask me: "How the hell do you manage to stay slim?" All thanks to my maternal genetic lineage (Kekkei Genkai for Naruto fans...hehe). Coming back to the paan waala guy, his snore sounded like Darth Vader breathing from his helmet which honestly was somewhat comforting given that I am a Sith lord and a huge fan of the epic.

VIMH: Look, look....Man! Sounds like Vader he does... Cool it is. Forgive him I do, for his paan eating habit. Snore or Snore not... but if u do then snore like Vader.

After the brief Yoda talk inside my brain I finished eating my cookies. Now that my stomach was silenced, my brain entered in the auto-pilot mode....

Sorry kitta, no cupid adventures...very sad and disappointing, I know. More on that in the next post.

Suggested reading:

It's just Vader breathing for 3 minutes straight! :P
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqJS3EQ_v6w

http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Kekkei_Genkai

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Wierdos... FSM save me!

Yesterday I'd been to the college to get my provisional marks card... Hehehe I am telling u the half truth. Other reason I went was to check if the gals in the new batch lived up to the hype n hoopla surrounding them. Damn! disappointing again. Ok, screw that... The worst part was the journey back home. A friend of my friend, whom i barely know sat next to me in the bus... the conversation began with courteous "hi" from me and an animated "hi" from him. He then asked "When is your joining date?". Crap! that was the 'n'th time someone was asking me the question yesterday...btw its on sep 15th. Ok, forget it. He turned to me and started the monologues. It went something like this:

Characters in the plot: He, Me and the Voice in my head(VIMH).
Please note: The VIMH is capable of interrupting the conversation.

He: "did you hear about 2012?"
Me: "doomsday crap?"
He: "Yes. U can visit NASA website and check out the details. There are lot of theories and predictions revolving around this. There are videos in youtube.... its very scary."

Me: "Ok." [ I did not want to encourage him, but he never stopped]
He: "You know, all this was a secret not known to the public but I am releasing it privately. I want all my friends to know about it."
Me: "Hmmm.."
He: "There is this planet Nebiru. Its a secret planet... thats why they call it planet X. They say it will pass very close to the earth. It will be visible to the naked eye in 2009. It will destroy almost all life on the earth before 2012. The US government knew this from 1993...they were monitoring the planet from south pole. They dint disclose it to avoid panic."
VIMH: Ya, like I care. Hope tht planet kills you.

He: "Nebiru is a very huge planet... Its bigger than Jupiter. They say there are aliens living there who are 36 feet tall."
VIMH: You suck! Now tell me they have a 36 feet long penis, jerk.....
He: "there are more theories...."
VIMH: Is he not done yet!?
He: "This kind of destruction happens once in 2000 years... like flood during Noah's time, Ice age 1 and Ice age 2... the dinosaurs "

VIMH: Information dissemination by an uninformed intellectually challenged person.Did u hear that Carlin?
He: "There will be a pole shift and earth will deviate from its axis. I asked my friends about the last thing they wanted to do before 2012. Most of them replied the wanted to do 'that'*. What would you want to do?"
Me: "I'd think of surviving instead of doing 'that'."

He stopped his commentary and started dozing off [thank FSM!].... I was about to reach my destination when the bus driver started showing the maneuverability of the bus. He could put the F-22 pilots to shame. He applied the brakes and yelled at a truck driver "Ninna ammerna roada, byawersi?" [translation: Is this your father's road, bastard?]. I watched the dragon wake up from its slumber.... ah, helpless!

He: "Are you a part of my group?"
Me, now petrified : "what group?"
He: "SMS gupshup group... I send messages to my friends"

The bus had not yet stopped... but i jumped out. I turned back and waved my hand hoping we never meet again.By then I was already feeling the numbness in the frontal lobe of my brain...

P.S : he pronounced gupshup as gupshup as opposed to gapshap....LMAO!

P.P.S : The real conversation was in Tulu, which I somehow manage to speak... I have used a lossy conversion algorithm for Tulu-English translation.

*I leave "that" to the reader's imagination. Mumbai trip part 2 will follow soon...

Saturday, August 16, 2008

My Mumbai trip: Part-1

My mum wanted to visit her sister in amchi Mumbai. I said NO. I mean, c'mon! 4 yrs of hell in engineering and this is what I get!? Trip to a place I have visited sooo many times. Later, mom threatened me with sanctions that would even make Saddam Hussein cry. I finally succumbed.

Air travel is insanely expensive now and train journey did not sound safe. So we took a bus, Vishal Volvo. I was pretty happy with bus travel since you get to see the country side and have the cell phone network accessible along the road. Also, u get to watch movies... there wasn't much choice with the movies though, bollywood was the only way to go. Little did i know that an unspeakable evil awaited me.
The show began I watched Kismet Konnection... which sucked but was bearable. My eyes were set on the TV.... hoping for a decent movie. But damn!

Shabbo arts presents!
Afzal Khan production...
Mehbooba....
Staring Ajay Devgan, Sanjay Dutt and Manisha Koirala.

I watched in horror as the above lines showed up on the screen.... Boy! this movie is one heck of a ROYAL SHIT! Three hours plus of this crap and I was about to enter a state of coma. I so very hate this movie that I demand Afzal Khan be tried for Crimes against humanity. Even Slobodan Milosevic seemed like a lesser evil to me. Indian Censor Board must be disbanded for letting this abomination out.

I'd have a nervous breakdown that day if not for Sharon's soothing voice.... btw Sharon is the lead singer of Within Temptation. For beginners, try the song Memories.... also try Angels.

Allow me to summarise the movie...

Characters : Shravan Dhariwal (Sanjay Dutt), Varsha (Manisha Koirala), Karan (Ajay Devgan).

ACT 1: Shravan Dhariwal is a Big Shot in New York... but he seems to be suffering from unusually high Testosterone levels or excessive dose of Viagra. He wants to sleep with every hot women he sees. He tries to make a move on Varsha and gets slapped in the public. Now Shravan, allegedly a reformed man, approaches Varsha's father seeking her hand. Varsha's father, a smartass who deserves a perfect 800 in GMAT, convinces her to marry this playboy. Reason? "He might have slept with plenty of girls but he chose 'u' as his wife... go girl, go". They get married n have a wild and passionate night...in plain n simple words they have Sex. Shravan reveals his true intention of avenging his insult in the public and ditches Varsha. She leaves NY.

ACT 2: Karan is staying in Budapest and is suffering from malfunctioning sixth sense or Deja vu or whatever. He has this obsession for painting a girl who appears in his dreams. His lawyer encourages him instead of taking him to a psychiatrist. The dream girl, Payal, finally shows up in Budapest where she is staying in the lawyers house. Karan expresses his feeling for Payal... she explains ACT 1 to him except the name of Shravan Dhariwal. Shit happens and they fall in love and decide to get married and fly down to Rajasthan, India.

Revelation 1: Karan is prince in Rajasthan. ( that explains y the bastard managed to own a huge mansion and live a luxurious life in Budapest with apparently no work... besides painting, of course)

Revelation 2: Shravan and Karan are brothers.

Revelation 3: Payal/Varsha is the same person. ( you'd have figured that out unless you have a single digit IQ)

Conclusion: Karan discovers about Shravan and Varsha/Payal and decides to get out of the linear equation with 3 variables by killing himself. But Shravan sacrifises himself... Karan and Varsha/Payal live happily ever after. Now the equation is reduced to Ax+By+C=0 ( A and B are not both equal to zero.)

HOLY FSM! Did u see that? huh? huh? Just the summary of the movie drove me into linear equation. I recommend the Federal agencies to use this movie to torture the criminals... They'll vomit every little secret, for sure.


Suggested reading:
http://www.chakpak.com/movie/mehbooba/19024.
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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I am on a Holiday....

There will not be any posts until 17th... m on a holiday..yippie!  I dont think the jerks @ work will allow me to go on a holiday once i join.... So, now is the time! 

Monday, July 21, 2008

1st anniversary post: Why we are what we are

OK, big post for the big day. Big day? Its my blog's first anniversary, suckers! C'mon everyone, congratulate me n fire off a comment. You see, I can't write until I get cranky (yeah, driven by hatred, powered by anger).That's why I qualify to become a true Sith Lord (Feel the Force, Motherfucker! For Top Ten Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel check out: Star Wars Jokes ). I am not a regular guy. So people, don't judge me by my writing (u ain't know me yet).

Alrite, back to blogging... Humans, a bunch of tailless monkeys who are now the most dominant species of the planet Earth. From semi nude Cro Magnon hunters to jackasses who eat corn flakes for breakfast, from spears to assault rifles....We have grown leap folds over the past few 1000 years. All these achievements definitely makes us special, but are we different from other apes and monkeys?(Ok, I'll consider Michael Jackson too) are we different from other animals? The answers is plain and simple: FUCK NO!

Lemme elaborate how... I have already mentioned the similarity of human brain to Unix OS in one of my earlier posts. (Search which one, u lazy pricks!) We are just doing what the animals do, but in a different way.

Before I start, You need to know about 2 fundamental rules that hold good in case of every normal creature:
Rule 1: Self Preservation.
Rule 2: Reproduction, more the better. (Don’t blame the men for being horny, we can’t help it... its hardwired)

Why do men like voluptuous women with nice healthy breasts and wide hips? (Breasts = politically correct term for boobs)
The reason is a corollary of Rule 2. Men would like to have kids with women. Evidently, Feeble skinny women will not be able to carry babies in their bellies (the hip connection) n breast feed them later.

Why do women like men with muscle, money, power, status?
Its the fuckin cave man mentality.... Our ancestors lived in the wild there plenty of predators. What if a saber tooth tiger is hungry n wants to have ur woman for his appetizer? What if a Neanderthal from the neighboring cave is pissed of n kidnaps ur woman after he shoves his spiked club up ur cave-man ass? Strong partner will mean better protection and naturally their progeny would tend to carry the same "strong" traits. Money, power and status are able to give the protection that physical strength once gave men. So its nothing but the ancient "protect me" mentality which has manifested itself in accordance to the modern social environment.

Moving ahead, I would like to enlighten you on the thing called "love". Call it whatever u want: involvement, intimacy, togetherness, Affaire de Coeur.... as far as humans are concerned, all these finally break down into a four lettered bullshit called LOVE. This feeling of love is something new that humans have come up with. I am saying this coz love never existed in insects, reptiles, birds or mammals. Mammals have shown a degree of groupism (their version of togetherness) which can be seen in elephants, apes n others. Bisons/buffaloes form a circle putting the calves at its center when they are attacked by wolves. God Damn it! Wolves even have caste system.

Mammalian groupism has increased their chances of survival by a great extent. "Love" is nothing but this variation of mammalian groupism. Its symbiosis, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours philosophy. Where exactly this "Love" thing is headed and how will it affect our chances, I don't know. But what i do know is that no matter how different we claim to be or how advanced we are, we still continue use the service of the primitive reptilian kernel in our brain, which is pretty much Rule 1 and Rule 2.

George Carlin mentioned this in one of his stand up shows:
The Primate brain says, "Give peace a chance". The Mammalian Brain says, "Give peace a chance, but first, let's kill this motherfucker". The Reptilian brain says, "Kill the motherfucker, go to the peace rally and get laid."

Although George mentioned the above lines in a different context, the essence remains the same. What we are now doing is writing a shell that operates over the mammalian one. All co-centric. [I wrote a primitive pseudo shell over the bash shell 2 years back]

This is the brutal truth behind our weird brain and its not gonna change just because some imbecile punk with a herpes infested crotch thinks differently. DID U FUCKING GET ME? and yeah,don't beg to differ...coz if you do then *#....censored....*#. And yeah, as I always say, Selfless Love is an oxymoron... if u are suffering from it then consult a psychiatrist.


Suggested reading:

http://osr507doc.sco.com/en/OSTut/graphics/kernel.gif
http://personalpages.manchester.ac.uk/staff/m.dodge/cybergeography//atlas/linux_kernel_large.png
Books by Richard Dawkins

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Sunday, July 20, 2008

Fact of the Month

A Researchers in Brazil found an Amazonian tribe that worshiped a coke bottle as an incarnate of one of its gods.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Quote of the month

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity"

- George Carlin(May 12 1937- June 22 2008)


May your soul(if any) rest in peace, George.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Toto Toilet: The Coolest Toilet

Konichiwa readers,

Holidays are the best days... u sleep, eat n sleep again. I just love 'em. Apart from watching movies that i missed out during the past 6 months, I've also started reading manga n watching anime. I love Naruto. The Japanese rock! They kick ass in every way. They are hardworking, polite, they have ramen and cool gadgets n gizmos. Whats more? they have Maria Ozawa. OMG! Nothing beats that, nothing. Not even a hundreds Silk Smithas put together.

Let me introduce you to a new wholesome experience of taking a dump, dumping reinvented by the Japanese. Although I've never had the privilege of trying it but its really got this "super awesomeness" in it.

Ladies, Gentlemen and Jerks... I present to you "Incredible Squirting Toilet". Check out the review on Cool Tools, Toto Washlet Toilet by Charles Platt.

Excerpts: As you lower yourself to the thermostatically warmed seat, a concealed motor whirs briefly, providing your first clue that you are about to encounter a piece of highly sophisticated technology. The toilet then remains silent and passive until you reach the point where you would normally apply paper. Instead, you hit the spray button. A hidden tube extends itself beneath you, and with the precision of a heat-seeking missile, it directs a spray of warm water that simultaneously tickles, stimulates, and cleans the place that needs it most. While its aim is meticulous, you can adjust its penetration by gently flexing your sphincter muscle. The experience is so unexpectedly and uniquely pleasurable, I found myself tempted to visit the toilet repeatedly just for recreational purposes.

Mr. Platt, you are a fine artist... i take a bow. I suggest the Japs to introduce this product in India. Pricing is a problem, i.e it costs $755 now but I am sure we can work things out in that front. Since most of the Indians prefer to wash their bottoms after taking a dump, this product would be appealing to each one of them. It also saves toilet paper.... "Save paper, Save Earth". See that? Its got a noble thought behind it. Finally I wanna say Arigatao Gozaimasu to the Japanese for making our lives better.

Finally my message to people who can afford to buy this cool toilet but still would stick to their wiping way: Use extra course sand paper for your unholy work [ preferably P12, ISO/FEPA Grit designation]. Hope your ass gets badly bruised.

Moral of the story: "Live hands free or Wipe hard" [this does not star Bruce Willis]

Suggested Reading:

How to celebrate Poop for Peace Day.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Guide to non-losers' quiz

Quizzing is Not Just a Trivial Pursuit, an excellent post by Amit Verma in his blog India Uncut. Your rock boss, u rock all the way!

Must read for any quizzophile.... stop conducting stupid quizzes. I'd rather lose a good quiz than win a stupid one [ off course, without taking the prize money into consideration ]

The religio maniacs call for a nation wide strike tomorrow. Again, for the sake of religion and their Gods.... Balls to them!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Harry Butthole Potter

Let me begin with the golden words from Southpark, spoken by none other than Sir Eric Cartman.

Kindergartener #1:: This looks too tough. We’re going to play Harry Potter with the other kids.
Kindergartener #2:: Me too.
Cartman:: Fine. Go on and play ‘Harry Butthole Pussy Potter.’

LMAO.... Harry Potter, the darling of millions of guys, girls n gays around the world. The tragic part is that people don't seem to recognise the "Loser" in the HP.

Who is Harry?
He is a sissy wizard whos suffering from cranial-rectal inversion. He's got no balls of his own.

He is so popular in the book and in the real world, Why is that so?
People love to love losers......harry is a useless, undeserving moron who gets a lot of unnecessary and unwarranted attention. He has not achieved anything in his life. He was lucky enough to be @ the right place @ the right time.

Now, I am a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings by J.R.R.Tolkien. Boy, this book kicks ASS! If u ever had the privilege of reading LOTR, I am sure u would appreciate the intricacies and the depth of the story.....Tolkien created a independent parallel universe of fantasy.

Let me compare the Heroes of the 2 books.....

Harry Potter: A punk who shows off. He has to his credit the achievement of killing his dear ones...everyone he loved, everyone who cared for him. They died protecting him and here v have our brave and courageous hero Harry The Lion Heart ( should have been Harry The Scary Fart) basking in the glory. If u think HP was brave to fight against voldemort, think again. He fought [ rather pretended to fight coz most of the times others did this job for him including his dead mother ] bcoz he dint have an option......voldemort would beat the shit out of him if he dint.
4 words for harry: GET A LIFE LOSER!
4 words for potter fans who talk of the "Good over Evil" message: ESAD!

Frodo Baggins: Now this guy kicks ass! A merry going hobbit who chose to bear the burden of the one ring. Mind u, he chose to, he dint have to. He walked bare foot into the mouth of enemy in spite of the fact that 1000's of evil creatures would be waiting to rip him off. He sundered from the fellowship, he never wanted anyone to bear his burden. Now kids, if u need inspiration, u know whom to look up to.


About the villains now,
Voldemort: He is the unmanliest villain......I one question about this guy:Do you think scaring kids @ hogwarts n freaking them out will add to his image of being a bad ass? NO. U r a sissy, Voldemort. Go find some place in cartoons like Winnie the Pooh [ Voldemort the Nutcraker ].

Sauron: He is a real villain....coz he kills. He is blood thirsty...n he feeds his orcs with flesh. He would conquer the entire middle earth if he gets the one ring, kill every man, women n child. Sauron would beat the shit out of ten thousand Voldemorts any day. Kudos to Sauron, the Necromancer!


About the authors now,
J.R.R.Tolkien, a British author and philologist.He is THE MAN. He published his work way back in 1954-55. He invented languages and was proficient @ them. Read the book to get the feel of the genius.....pure genius.

J.K.Rowling, a greedy British lady who makes a lot of money by writing nonsense. She writes a books borrowing a little for here and there n ends up being a millionaire. If she was good @ her heart then y doesn't she spend her fortune helping little children who need aid. Bhooli surat dil ke khotey, naam bade aur darshan chotey.....

I think JK will continue the HP series. Heres what i think will be the titles down the timeline :
Harry Potter and the curse of Paris Hilton.
Harry Potter and the Stripper factory.
.
.
JK announces Harry is Bi-Curious.
.
.
Harry Potter and the rescue of Britney Spears.
Harry Potter and the return of Voldemort.
Harry Potters marries Voldemort.


I'd be glad even if a few of HP fans realize how GAY HP is after reading this. Force be with u....



Suggested reading:

Harry Potter : Pampered jock, patsy, fraud, by Chris Suellentrop.
http://www.slate.com/?id=2073627

Hate Harry Potter : Cool games like Stab Harry's Face n lots more exciting stuff.
http://www.underwaterdog.co.uk/index.htm

Why I hate Harry Potter : The BBC's Robert Winder explains what he hates about Harry Potter.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/4679657.stm


P.S: If u hate HP for religious reasons then I'd gladly kiss JK's ass than yours......3 words for religio maniacs : GFU.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Indians, The Chauvinistic Morons : Part 3

This is the last installment of The Chauvinistic Moron series....

Ask any foreign tourist about their visit to India, I am pretty sure that they'll have plenty of nasty experiences to share about how they were harassed and looted. Tourists getting raped n murdered by uncultured animals(who happen to be Indians) is as common as Indian cricket team losing a match.

"Athithi Devo Bhava", these Sanskrit words translate into "Guest is God". Well, its quite the opposite that is happening in India. Sad, real sad...but true. The actual problem which we refuse to accept is that a major chunk of Indian population is still uncivilzed and uncultured. These people are the least helpful (forget courtesy) when it comes to tourists.

Surprising part however is that we Indians easily accuse others of racism. If any of the "videshi goreys" treat us differently they'll be accused of being racists. We are no less racists than other races(a little chauvinism there, eh?). African American cheer leaders were recently mocked at during the IPL matches. Two races who are usually on the receiving side of racism are being racists towards one another. Hmmm...reverse racism.

Think about it... I favour castration of the uncivilized Indians.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Indians, The Chauvinistic Morons : Part 2

Coming back to Chauvinistic Morons ..... thought of garnishing the previous post. Johan Thain of Merrill Lynch took home $84 million. Well, can we now hear voices that Indians are grossly underpaid? Even Rupert Murdoch of Newscorp took $24 million.... this 77 year old media mogul is married to Wendi Deng, who happens to be 37 years younger than him. I wish i were a billionaire.


Lets check out some other creeps.... Indian minister of state for Human Resource Development. This is what he had to say in rajya sabha about India's research and higher education system: "12% scientists and 38% doctors in the US are Indians, and in NASA, 36% or almost 4 out of 10 scientists are Indians. " If that was not enough: "34% employees at Microsoft, 28% at IBM, 17% at Intel and 13% at Xerox are Indians. " Looks like someone flicked something from an email forward.... all the above facts mentioned by the minister are blown out of proportion. Indians will do anything for self glorification.


I am not done with these Chauvinists yet.... They still have to deal with my final blow. Check this out: Condoms 'too big' for Indian men. A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men. This however will not deter Indians as we still are on our way to race ahead of China and become the most populated country. Although I did not participate in the survey, but my participation would've definitely turned the tide in Indians' favor.


Now, for the final nail that'll hit the coffin..... This is what Durex manager had to say "A large number of South African men are bigger and complain about condoms being uncomfortable and too small". Ha ha hahaaaa..... LOL people. Looks like someone should be jealous now.... does this cure the chauvinism?
.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

ManU, The undeserving lucky bastards

Finally i got to watch the champions league finals...thanks to the repeat telecast. What a match it was.... awesome.

Manchester United.... they've got plenty of luck. Bloody hell! they dint even deserve a place in the finals. The match with Barca.... Ahhh! tht wasn't even a goal! Plain fluke. I could've done better than Scholes with my eyes blindfolded.

I desperately wanted ManU to lose.... (Barca's loss avenged!) but fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony ( ok, i flicked this one from matrix). But then, my anti-alchemist theory was too strong for the universe to ignore. Ugly luck played an ugly part in the game.... Chelsea played with 10 men n still kicked ManU's ass! Way to go boys!

I couldn't resist myself from venting out my anger.... I feel better now.

[ Dear Drogba, please see to it that you target the balls and not the cheeks next time ]

Monday, May 19, 2008

My Letter to Elisha

Dear Elisha Cuthbert,

This is to bring into your notice that after having a look at your Hawaiian photos, I, as a responsible member of Openly Pervert Association for Straight Men(OPASM) am terribly disappointed. You are "out of shape"....and this is unacceptable.

I would like to remind you that you are no longer subject to your own will. You have to give serious consideration to the expectation of all the horny men out there who expect you to take care of your formerly "hot" body. In the greater interest of men and OPASM (n other such organizations of pubic interest....oops! public, sorry. Ignore the typos), I ask you to take immediate action and restore balance before your negligence causes irreparable damage to our lives.

Thank you.

Yours ____fully,
TCM.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Fact of the Month

Whale semen has been used for centuries by the Inuit people as an anti-aging balm.

Anti aging?!?! .....WHAO!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Indians, The Chauvinistic Morons : Part 1

Yes, u heard me right....Chauvinistic Morons. Why? I've got reasons to say so. Lemme dissect it for u:

Economic times dated 7 April 2008: Indra Nooyi, the India-origin CEO of beverages major PepsiCo, earns over 81 times more than the world's richest man Warren Buffett in terms of her annual pay packet. Nooyi received an annual compensation to the tune of $14.74 million in 2007 as compared to just $0.18 million drawn by Buffett who heads Berkshire Hathway, which is into life insurance and annuity sales, among others.

Also given were the annual pay packages of Vikram pandit of the ailing Citigroup ( $3.16 million=17 times that of Buffet) and Rajiv L Gupta of speciality chemicals maker Rohm & Haas ( $7.26 million, nearly 40 per cent higher than that of Buffett )

This is called "What the Fuck" news. Warren Buffet, worth $62 billion is a genius in every sense. Someone with a very humble beginning has risen to glorious heights. Also known as the Oracle of Omaha, this man decides to give away all his fortune to charity. He lives in the same house in the central Dundee neighborhood of Omaha that he bought in 1958 for $31,500, today valued at around $700,000. Compare this to Mukesh Ambani's Antilia , his $2 billion worth house for a family of 5 people, what a jerk!

Lets apply some common sense here.... Why would Buffet, with his $62 billion, want any salary? But we Indians have a obsession with "my ass is better than yours" philosophy, "showing off" you see. Well, the morons could have done a better job by comparing the Indian CEOs' salary with Steve Jobs. Mr.Jobs takes home a nominal pay package of $1 annually. OMG! WTF!? Indra Nooyi's annual compensation is $14.74 million times greater than Steve Jobs.....

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Monday, April 28, 2008

Quote of the month

"A soul needs a purpose to live... and so I concluded that my purpose was to kill everyone besides myself. I felt alive..."

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Signs

Dear Men,
Our time on earth is over.... The signs are showing up.

First Penis Thefts in Congo: This is much talked about news. Men loosing penis... Awww! Its like a black mamba without fangs. link
Why would someone steal a penis? I evaluated some possibilities:
Evil sorcerers ask their clients ( in their +60's) to sacrifice 10 dicks for everlasting erection. I'd suggest them to visit any porn site and sign up. They'd receive plenty of offers with attractive discounts on viagra n cialis. That should solve the problem.
OR maybe the voodoo doctors might just come up with the first voodoo dick ( voice automated with speech recognition). Welcome to the world of organic dildos.

The Third Eye speaks: 40% of male population is non-penile ( politically correct term for dickless). Penis rights groups pop up everywhere. Discrimination against the non-penile, they form a lobby and demand affirmative action in US and reservation in India ( birth of political parties like Bina lund paksh which would "rise to the occasion"). Use of the word dickless is considered derogatory and offensive. Any use could lead to a 2 year jail term. Paris Hilton accuires a a fake dick. My-crow-soft launches its next OS which also comes in a special non-penile edition.

Ban on Fake testicles on vehicles : Testicles, the pride of man. Majestic balls with mane hanging around gives men an air of superiority. Fake testicles add to the pleasure by constantly reminding them of what they own..... THE BALLS. Ban on the fake ones would lead to exponential rise in accidents. link

Save Men.... and their jewels.

Monday, April 21, 2008

First encounter with a blog spammer

13 hours ago Telefone VoIP left a comment on my post "Fact of the Month". It went something like this:

"Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Telefone VoIP, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://blahblah. A hug. "

I used a tunnel to visit the jerk's blog..... ahh, Portuguese blog with only one post on some phone crap. Trying to garner free publicity by telling nice things about people, eh?! Not gonna work.

I've got two things to say to this moron:
1] Learn English
2] Stop spamming. I hate spammers.

The comments on his/her only post were so lame that I couldn't help laughing. Take a look at this one for example: "Hey thanks for the comment, your blog is also likeable, well the info of the phone could be helpful."

"blog is likeable" =)) "info of the phone could be helpful" ..... too much yaar.

Get a life Sucker!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Fact of the Month

Nothing beats this: Every year an average person will unknowingly consume roughly one ounce of feces. Yuck!
[ I wonder why the word "unknowingly" has crept into the sentence. Why would someone want to make the above fact less obvious?? Nasty thought, I know. ]

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Quote of the Month

"A Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level... Then, they'll beat you with experience."

-Jack Coleman

The Bane of Stupidity

A cultural festival in my college, phew! Public display of idiotica. Idiotica is to idiots what erotica is to erotic [ bad analogy, i know]. Well, somethings don't change and somethings cant change.

As i expected, it was a flop show. I was there for dance(watching babes shake their hips) and quiz(my neuro-tonic). The dance event was plagued by breaks n jerks in the background tracks. The CDs provided by the participating groups had to take all the blame since they were scratched, allegedly all of 'em. Hmm.... strange.

The General Quiz was a real disaster and a big let down.

Prelims: Logic design, Basic Electronics, Biology and Chemistry revisited. Questions included finding out 10's complement of numbers, finding logical expression to represent a circuit, some problems on op-amps n loads of electronic crap. Added to this there were enzymes, wierd microscopes n chemicals. There were three questions on Harry Potter which i din't know [ you know me, I hate that son of a bitch Harry].

The finals: Some moron who never did his homework was the quizmaster. He was into Human Resource.
Finals: 50% talk on HR topics + 50% stupid questions = 100% bullcrap.

Each question had 4 options to choose from. Every question in the PowerPoint presentation was followed a slide which had the answer. After each question the quiz master said "Lets find out answer. Go to the next slide please". The quiz master clearly had no clue of the answer for any question. Some slides even contained the way in which the answer was supposed to be pronounced: "ec-kid-na" for echidna. Get a life sucker!

Stupid quizzes have become a part of the college fest now just like the fashion weeks with wardrobe malfunctions, inseparable.

One last question for the you

The Quiz was
1) Stupid
2) Retarded
3) blasphemous
4) All of the above.

No points for guessing the answers.

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Thursday, March 27, 2008

Menace of the Evil bird

Sunday, 23rd March.....
around 4 P.M. IST.....
I was about to boot my machine....
When.....
Something happened.......
Evil raised its ugly head......
And I was caught by surprise...

A bird, a evil bird sneaks into my house though the open window. Hell breaks open....
This bird goes on an offensive, compromising the security of the living room and my room. I wait for the bird to fly out by itself, but the bitch that it is, Ahh....it doesn't. Instead it leaves behind its unholy droppings on my bed and other places.

These are a few exclusive photographs from the "Bird in my house" episode.... watch the devastation for yourself.


The bird is all set to poop on the bed






The evil bird missed my new E51 by a few inches..... phew!


The Evil bird hates Cryptography and Network security.
See what it did to my book....



The bird finally escaped.... what a relief! But the damage had already been done: bird droppings in every corner of my room. Although I am a lacto-vegetarian, I'd love to eat this bird, the Flying bitch.....
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Monday, March 17, 2008

Pink Floyd, Shine on forever....

It was today on March 17th, the first Pink Floyd album, Dark Side of The Moon was released. I take this occasion to salute the Gods of psychedelic rock.






Saturday, March 15, 2008

Save Tibet

Horrifying crimes and unspoken horrors were always committed against Tibetans ever since the annexation of Tibet in 1959 and none managed to get the attention of media or the pseudo defenders of human rights, including the big brother USA, save the few micro pints of sympathy. A year back or so, a local Kannada news paper had covered the story of Tibetans and their tortured lives with photos which melted even my heart..... the Chinese assholes didn't even spare the children. I wish those assholes get penis cancer.

The protests have sparked again in the wake of Beijing Olympics. The Chinese Left brigade will leave no stone unturned to suppress the protests by Tibetans who have been staying as prisoners in their own land. Figures suggest over 100 Tibetans were killed by the Chinese.

If anyone is alien to Tibetans culture n religion, I suggest you go to your nearest DVD rental store and bring home a movie called "Seven years in Tibet", starring Brad Pitt. Beautiful movie which depicts the tragic tale.

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world."
- Gautama Buddha,
Thathagatha,the greatest man who ever walked this earth, the only human.
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